January 12, 2012

Day 11

I think I might be a little too personally honest in my blogs. They are starting to get me into trouble. This morning I wake up to an email from my mom. A long email. So long I just remembered I forgot to finish it. Hold on. Granted it was for both me and my sister it still came at a suspicious coincidental time after my blog about not having a plan or direction. Here’s the gist of it. “Perhaps, the two of you (me and my sis) could consider starting to use your talents together, which would require focus, inspiration and dedication to a project and each other.” Then so on and so on about being creative and that we are 1 in a million. I’ve heard this my whole life yet right now I feel like the 99%. I think my parents encouraged me too much. Amy you can do anything and everything. That’s too many options. It would have been better to be born in Russia with a preplanned future to be a pro tennis player… or whatever the newest prodigies are coming out of there. I can do anything, but instead I do nothing because I’m indecisive. Better to not start then start and fail. What a terrible mindset. When did I get so lame?

A couple day ago my boyfriend’s mom encouraged me saying that I’m still young and could go back to school and start over trying something new. I totally appreciate options and any advice (love you Star), but it makes me wonder if I shouldn’t be putting my problems so open and available for discussion. I’m actually a very private person. I don’t know why, but I just don’t like sharing about myself. I don’t like people knowing things that can be used against me. Maybe I should just be a celebrity blogger.

Intervention didn’t end there. Later today I agreed to meet my sister for coffee to help her start a beauty vlog (video blog). Before the wise older sister (that’s me) could contribute my expertise I get blindsided by another “Amy you need to start doing some videos. Quit wasting away your talents.” Its bad enough from my mom, even if expected, but now from my lil sis (miss I’ve got 1.4 million hits on my video in 30 hours so now I can lecture you). I start looking around for a camera crew and Dr. Phil to pop out of the bushes. My sis precedes to tell me about her less talented friends who are getting successful because they are at least doing something. Then she wanted to set certain goals for me. She wants me to make a video every week. Geez I already blog and take a pic every day. She antagonizes me by asking if it’s too much for me to handle. Phhh. Fine. A video a week. Next she starts making a schedule… “so this week you’ll make a 30 sec video and next week…”. Now I’m hoping Dr. Phil will come rescue me.

I honestly don’t know why I don’t make videos and put that digital media degree to use. Well when I work full time and take classes the last thing I want to do with my free time is more work. Work with a junky camera (my iPhone would be better), brain storm a dorky idea, then have it take 4 times you think it would to edit the crappy piece. And for what? Practice? Am I just making excuses? Absolutely. The real reason is that I feel inadequate. Why do I wanna produce something that proves I’m not as good as I think I should be? Why do I need the reality check? You like everyone else involved in my intervention along with Dr. Phil might ask, “what do you have to lose?”. Nothing. I have nothing to lose… well except time. So I give in. From now on I’m going to try to make a video a week. Nothing makes me more vulnerable than sharing my art. Therefore my appreciation for constructive criticism will become nonexistent. Once a video is posted it is off limits to haters and film critics… till I have 1mil hits… that’s known to toughen your skin …or give you the right to lecture your sister.

If you have any film ideas let me know and I’ll do my best to make it my own… I mean collaborate. But seriously I need some ideas! Otherwise they’ll all be about my adorable puppy, that’s never been done before, right?

the past needs edited

Stupid intervention.

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