Oh yes he is adorable. No thanks I don’t need to hold him. I don’t know what it is, but babies make me nervous. They are just so fragile. It’s one thing to hold someone’s kitten and accidentally drop it (cause it’ll land feet first) or feed it the wrong kitty food, but if you did something to someone’s baby that’s endless guilt and a potential lawsuit. I’m a practical person and it’s just not worth the risk. Also, I think babies sense my stress and anxiety when I hold them because the calm sleeping baby turns into a crying fit of accusations. At least that is what it feels like.
Today as I was walking into the hospital to see my friend’s new born I told my mom don’t pressure me to hold him. It didn’t take long before my mom picked up the sleeping porcelain doll… and tried to run away with it. She wishes. I know that some people, well most people, find babies to be adorable. I guess there is a certain endearing innocent squishy quality about them, but to be honest I’m more of a puppy and kitty lover. Now those are always cute. You can’t tell me you’ve never seen an ugly baby. Also tiny furry friends seem so much more durable, playful, and already have an idea of how to defend itself. Have you ever seem a 4 month old baby play fetch?
Maybe there is something wrong with me? I know my mom thinks so. She loves babies. It’s to the point that every time she hold or even sees one she gives me a disappointed look because I have yet to produce her a grandchild. If she wants another baby to give her more grey hairs I know Africa is handing them out. They have some cute babies.
As I passively observed the slumbering flesh ball my mom cooed and cawed she tried to convince me that all of the world’s happiness could fit into 1 inch booties and a teddy bear onsie. I was then guilted into holding the little guy. If I was a mom I would make people do trial runs on a doll before I handed over my supposedly “greatest joy”. Omg he’s so light in my arms that are so stiff to make sure he doesn’t slip through. Everything’s so miniature, nose, eyes, even little bits of leg hair. I know you’re expecting me to say that my heart was melted the moment I touched this little angel I couldn’t wait to have one of my own. Well sorry to disappoint you. All I thought was how long do I have to hold him so the mom and my mom are satisfied? Ok my 3 minutes is up. Take him before he starts crying and I look like a jerk. Phew. Me and the baby both survived.
I don’t want anyone to think I’m a baby hater. I just don’t favor smaller humans over bigger ones. All humans have the same value to me and I treat them all with the same respect. Everyone else is just being an ageist. It’s ok I forgive you, but I expect you to work on it. So the next time you are dangling keys in front of lil miss giggles remember the slow old grandpas that give you road rage before you cut him off. They were once babies too. So maybe we should treat everyone like babies. We all know plenty of adults that act like them. Only difference is if I drop them on their head it won’t be on purpose… I mean accident… I’m kidding. Geez calm down… don’t be a baby.
Sorry mom you better start pressuring Anna to reproduce.