Are you there God? It’s me, Amy.

February 21, 2012

Day 20

Hello? Is anyone out there? There is much debate on this question. From anywhere to God, supreme beings, and aliens many people believe that we aren’t alone. I’m one of these people. My faith has been challenged in many ways throughout my life. Being a skeptical, pessimistic, feminist I’ve definitely had my struggles, questions, and doubts about my faith. I’m not looking for any answers or arguments to persuade me in any way. I just want to share my experience and it can be taken however you like.

I normally don’t talk about or share my faith and really personal thoughts with anyone, but I’m comforted because no one reads my blog. So here I go. My “epiphany” happened at church. Cliche I know. I was an hour late and was mostly paying attention to the sermon. It was something about the Holy Spirit, which can make plenty, including me, very uncomfortable. As the pastor finished his spiel and invited people to come for prayer I had that same question I normally do, “Should I go up there?”. I figure that God likes to put me through unlimited discomfort and humbleness so I figure I’m always expected to go to the front. I know. Strange. Well I fought the guilt and just started praying for my sister. God can’t blame me for that. When she got her adequate prayer dose I moved on to my boyfriend. He isn’t a Christian. This is a big stigma in the church circle, but he is the most open spiritually than any of my religious boyfriends. He goes to church with me every Sunday and prays for me when I’m having a hard time. My first boyfriend went to church out of family guilt and pressure more than anything else. We both grew up in the church so we continued the tradition… when we felt like it. My second boyfriend was a Missionary. You would think that scored me some heaven points. Well we both worked for the church and became bitter of some leaders misuse of money. Also, he was extremely conservative so we fought over certain religious doctrine. Also, we never shared any personal religious experiences. Probably because we didn’t have any.

Back to my heathen boyfriend. I prayed that I would do my best to be the example of a good Christian for him. You know the loving, non-hypocritical kind. I also prayed that I would help him on his path to whatever he wanted to do. Sometimes I fear I’m just a hindrance in his life…. like a distraction from him finding his true calling. Well all of a sudden a voice in my head, call it what you will, said, “You could never get in the way of the plan I have for his life. How could you think you haven’t made his life better. You make people’s life better.” I immediately broke into tears. I hate crying. Hate. I will use ever fiber in my being to hold back tears. Nothing could hold them back. I hate feeling vulnerable and even while I write this I’m starting to regret opening up. No one’s reading is what I keep telling myself.

After I heard God speak inside my head I quickly asked the question, “Then why am I being punished? Why won’t you heal my hip?”. I believed that God didn’t want me to get back to my active life. “God, do you think I’ll run away and busy up my life with physical activities again?”. The voice responded with, “No. I don’t want you to run away from yourself. I want you to create. I made you to create. No matter what you do you are made to create. Don’t worry about your job. I will provide the supplies. Just create.” This hit me pretty hard. This past year I’ve challenged myself creatively in many ways that I would have never made time for previously.

Sports and physical activities have been my life up till a year ago when I hurt my hip. I’ve always been active. I love the physical strain on my muscles. I love to sweat. Dripping with sweat. I love to be sore. So sore I can hardly walk. Sports have always been my release, my refuge, my source of confidence. If I failed at everything I knew that I could go on the tennis court and kick ass. My self-worth was intertwined with my athletic skills. If someone asked how good I was at tennis I’d say better than most and you wouldn’t have a chance. If someone asks about any of my creative skills, whether photography or film I’d shrug and say alright, or average. Even though my family would give me confirmation or praise I would just right it off as a obligatory family duty.

I no longer have the fear of failure to prevent me from trying. Failing is learning. Now I have to relearn and rebuild to be confident in another way, in every way. I can’t depend on certain skills that come and go to make me feel good about myself. So from now on I will create. Create with confidence.

hand warmers I got for VD

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